I Cannot Love Him If I Cannot Love Myself
Warning: Emotional triggers and suicidal thoughts. Read at your own will.
“I’m sorry, I can’t do this anymore,” I stare at his lively face that slowly turns glum. Unfortunately, my mind is clear, and my heart is light.
He probably feels betrayed, abandoned, and lied to. I’m sorry that I don’t know how to explain my overwhelming feelings that eat me up inside every single night even though I tell him not to worry about me. As much as I push him away, the more I want him to stay with me, but I know it’s best for him to leave and that everything will be okay.
I give him a hug one last time while memorizing his scent, hoping it stays on me forever. I hope I never forget it. He’s the person who has always endured being by my side. I’ve come to realize he is far too valuable for a person like me. I cherish him too much to put him through my own pain. If you love them, let them go. He is far better off without me and I’ve grown to accept that; I don’t deserve him.
As I walk away from the place we first met, the rusty green benches remind me of our first date. We were snacking on melted chocolate and mint ice cream that we got from Baskin Robins. He was wearing his favorite brown cardigan and trendy cargo pants. I always told him that he looked funny in them, but I will no longer laugh when I see one hung on sale at a shopping mall. I had on my best pair of jeans and I actually fixed my hair that day. Everywhere reminds me of him. The taco stand at the corner of M street reminds me of him. Spices and salt, ripped jeans and plaid shirts, Hanes white socks and undergarments all are his. It’s all just products to me now. I don’t know if I’ve made a mistake of letting him go, but like always, I ignore it and think everything will be okay with time.
I get in my car and I just sit there, listening to my own breath and heartbeat. I want to cry, but I won’t. I twist my head and peer out the window. The sky is clear unlike my mind. The mountains were in the distance, so close yet so far. The tall trees slightly dance with the delicate winds. The lake is very peaceful and so is the parking lot. I tweak my eyes to get a glance of him. He’s crying. I love that man. I divert my eyes to the view again, and I feel like I could rest my eyes there forever.
He wipes his tears, he gets up, he heads to his car, and he drives away. I assume he’s going to go and sing a song, something he enjoys doing most. Then after, he’d pick up his controller and play games on his PS5, or draw a portrait, or meet up with a close friend, or…I am still thinking of him. I remember our favorite activity together; he’d play his guitar and I’d be his singer. Music connected him and I in ways I can’t explain. In those moments, I thought he was the best gift God has ever given me apart from life. But even great things end sometimes. If I could, I’d give up my miserable life to have him again.
I decide to take the long way home, the country side driveway where I could blast music and roll down my windows as I scream out the lyrics to my favorite songs. We used to do that together, and those moments remain as one of the best times in my life. Music gives me life. It gives me a reason to stay. It gives me a reason to be strong. It gives me a reason to keep on going. I feel most alive when I hear beats and notes, they comfort my body and mind as they play. The BPM controls my heartbeat. But today, I don’t feel like blasting music and rolling down my windows. Weird enough, I just want to drive in silence, listening to my car’s engine as it’s running and the wheels as they turn. Usually, the silence would drive me nuts. I’d itch with impatience and step on the gas pedal, speeding up.
As I drive in silence, a million thoughts run through my head. What’s worse was that he was the last thing on my mind. What time is it? I have to get my homework done. Am I a good older sister? I shouldn’t have said that to Mom? Ugh, I forgot I have to send this package for Dad. Right! I need some paint for my project. Gosh, I need to catch up with reading! Man, I just lost someone who was important to me. Why don’t I feel sad? Why did I do that to him? My art projects are really stacking up. My car is so dirty. I’m hungry. I’m tired, I need some more sleep at night. I forgot to work out today. I need to be harder on myself.
My thoughts running wild, driving me crazy. I broke the silence and blasted my current favorite song, “Vibe for me” by Aquila, I roll down the two front windows, and step on the gas peddle a little harder. My sight becomes blurry as tears burn into my eyes. I feel the force of the winds as it hits my face. My tears quickly travel to the side of my face and flies away. This time, I’m not singing along. I’m just silent. I block out all the thoughts with his face which I long to touch. I remember about our first kiss. My heart melts all over again just thinking about it. We were young and nervous. It was on a warm winter evening when the sun was barely setting.
That day, he took me to the Annual Fresno Hmong New Year where family, friends, and relatives come to celebrate our culture. He enjoyed capturing the moments of friends and families simply having happy conversations. But I’d often find his camera pointed at me as his main view. That made me incredibly happy. Before I left home that day, he stiffly grabbed my hands and tried his best to maintain eye contact with me, “I like you,” I could feel his hands shaking. “It’ll make me the happiest man alive to have you as my girlfriend.” As if I had been waiting for that moment my whole life, I plunged into his arms and there, we passionately kissed away. Now that he’s gone, I regret to tell him that all the best moments in my life were all with him.
A part of me wants to just drive away and forget about everything; school, family, responsibilities, love. They became too much for me to handle. I care too much. I worry too much. I want everything to be perfect. I want everything to go according to my plans. And for this, I can’t keep him by my side. I’ve fallen out of love with myself and have left the responsibility of loving myself to him. His love was great but it was not enough and it’s not his fault, but mine. I am not content with where I am at. I need to be better. I want to be enough. For the sake of wasting his time, I must let him go now and work on myself.
If only I didn’t compare myself to other girls. If only I wasn’t worried about my size. If only I was more confident in myself. If only I didn’t care of what others said about me. If only I saw what was right in front of me. If only I accepted his love for me. If only I wasn’t so insecure in myself. If only…then maybe he’d still be here. I cannot love him if I cannot love myself.
Maybe no one would worry if I was gone, this is probably for the best. I bet no one would come to my funeral if I’d left without a word. I wouldn’t really be leaving anything behind anyways. Being alive is a burden to other people. Daily reminders don’t seem to be enough anymore. Talking things out isn’t helping either. Just the same old painful life, but I always find myself going back home.
I reach my destination and I take a moment to set myself straight before going inside. Lately, I haven’t really been looking at myself in the mirror clearly. Not like how I used to at least. I remember taking photos, wearing whatever I wanted, posing however I wanted, and I would like it. Now, I almost forgot how I looked like. My under eyes have sunken in and created shadows and there isn’t much color in my face. I know if he was here, he probably would’ve said something like, “you still look beautiful in my eyes,” or “you work so hard for the both of us, I’m proud of you,” or maybe even something like, “I’ve never looked at another girl like how I look at you.”
That did it. I break down. I gasp and swallow. I sob and cry. I never want to experience this sort of pain again, I tell myself. I have to get better not for myself so I could be better for someone else.
Note: This story isn’t about anyone in particular. It’s an accumulation of my personal experiences. This story is not about getting the guy in the end. It’s about loving myself.
