(Second Winner of Hlub Hmoob Center and Many Hand’s Celebrating Women Story Contest. You can find my story on their Facebook page.

How often do we give thanks to the sisters-in-law(s) in our lives? Traditional beliefs have taught us to view our in-laws as outsiders. Therefore, they should have no opinion in our immediate family affairs, especially daughters-in-law. And because of that, they are disrespected, misrepresented, and silenced. However, my sister-in-law is the sister that I didn’t know I needed.

Stray Kids Concert, April 2, 2023
My Nyab (left) and I (right).
edited by Emkay Vue

My sister-in-law, Pachee came into my life when I was still addicted to being in my room watching anime. I was ten years of age when I first met her. She quickly adjusted to the family and got married to my brother on September 18th, 2015. They lived with my family up until December 2021 when they first bought their own home.

When they were still living with us, my older sister and I naturally got closer to her. Contrary to the traditional belief that sisters-in-law were people who came from an outside family, my family and I welcomed her into our home, warmly. She never expressed her feelings in regard to direct family-in-law issues because she probably felt afraid to speak up as an “outsider.” She has always been a very quiet person, yet very observant and reassuring at the same time. Even during family miscommunications, she did not waver in her choice to marry into our family. She accommodated where she could and helped wherever she could. Mostly, she was (and still is) like my best friend.

Through the past ten years, she has always played a huge role in my growth as a woman. As Hmong women, we are aware of the societal pressures and expectations that are placed upon us when we are born. I grew up as the “Black Sheep” of the family or a “rebel.” I was not the typical Hmong daughter who was compliant to gender-assigned duties and chores like washing the dishes, cooking breakfast, lunch, and dinner, doing laundry, cleaning the bathroom, mopping the floors, vacuuming the carpets, taking care of the kids, and more. These are all very important tasks to do throughout life and they’re chores that everyone should know how to do, but I simply didn’t like that they were chores only assigned for women to do in the house. I enjoy going out and seeing the world and what it has to offer. My sister-in-law saw in me a “Spirit of Change.” She always gave me the same answer when I was looking to her for a place of advice, “If you feel that it’s good for you, just do it. Don’t mind what others have to say about you.” Again, she never wavered knowing that her advice may jeopardize her relationship with my parents for leading me into the “wrong path.”

There was a time in my life when I was simply lost. She’s seen me at my best and she held my hand when I was at my worse. My high school years hold the best versions of me to ever flourish as a scholar and as a leader. I was taking about nine units of college credit courses while being a full-time high school student. On the side, I managed my extracurriculars as a dance choreographer and also held an officer position for my Asian Club at school. On top of that, I held the Miss Hmong Central Teen 2018 pageantry title that included a whole new range of duties. Nyab (Pachee) knew how much each position meant to me and how hard I worked to get there. She has never doubted my ability to accomplish something that I’ve set my mind to even when everyone else was already putting me down. She has never left my side or turned her back on me even when I was making wrong decisions in life. She once told me, “You’re like the one who brings light into this family,” and she expressed her gratitude towards me.

She reminded me of who I am and what she knows I’m capable of. Her reminders still ring in my heart today. In a family where women are not expected to become of anything except a good housewife, she pushed me to be different, to follow my heart, and to be my definition of a what it means to be a Hmong woman.

September 26, 2023, my 21st birthday. Our first drinks together as adults.

There were many instances when we would engage in long talks about life and who I am. She never talked about herself nor did she ever mention what she was going through. To her, it was more important to make sure that my needs and my feelings were taken care of. She just understood. That I was disappointed in myself for morphing into someone who I had told her I would not become. That I had failed myself after discussing with her so many of my goals for my future, yet I made impulsive decisions that were based solely on seeking euphoria and temporary pleasure. I was completely engulfed by the habits of temporary happiness. The many painful identities that I had gone through, she watched with gentle and nonjudgmental eyes. She didn’t control me like the others. She didn’t force me to make hasty decisions like the others. She just let me be. She let me experience life as it is because she believed in me.

Dear Nyab,

“Ua tsaug" is an understatement. You are a sister to me first, but you are so much more to me. You are a mother, a mentor, a therapist, a coach, a friend, and everything more. One of the early memories I remember of us was talking about anime. You would just let me fan-girl over Naruto and Luffy and you still do as I am still obsessed with them. That was probably one of the first moments in my life as a little Hmong girl that I’ve ever felt safe to be myself around someone. You allowed me to talk about the some of the most important things in my life that even no one in my immediate family knows about me. That, to me, is love. Even in my darkest moments, I hear your voice and I’m all better. Although I am a growing adult and I am not able to do for you as much as you do for me, just know I am always here. Everything you’ve taught me and expressed to me, I will always carry it in my heart wherever I am. You are the unexpected gift I never thought I’d get in my life. You are the proof that sisters-in-law are not always enemies. You’ve seen me grow and blossom and wilt and drown, but you never gave up on me. You probably know me more than I know you, but I know that you are kind and that your love is real. So here I am expressing how much I love you in my greatest form of my love language; a letter.

To the reader: Hlub koj tus Nyab. (Love your sister-in-law.)

An Unexpected Gift

I Cannot Love Him If I Cannot Love Myself