Hmong Till The End
Spoken Word Poem - prepared and performed at the AAPI Heritage Celebration Month @ Merced, CA on May 11th, 2024
The wind whispers the questions I need not right now
I know I’ve crossed over more than I can allow
Many ask me what I do to deal with and how
I don’t even understand the way I’m feeling right now
Damn, it’s a motherfucker to be two people
Or three people
or four people
or five or six, shit!
I’ll be damned if I live another day in a steep hole
Can’t catch a break when your people need you
Translating since I was a kid
Government papers and hospital bills
Mama said to shut the sick up and eat the pills
Immune system shoot up a couple yards
So I studied very hard
Read about white americans and their tattered scars
Raising my hand like I was one of their dogs
As I listen and speak their language, I reek of American.
I hate the way I am. I’m a fake for all I know. For fuck’s sake!
I can’t even go
back to the places that made me feel
more hmong
more strong
not wrong
belonged
and so on
Can I speak my mother’s tongue to my mother’s tongue
or will I continue to stay hung on the funk that my mother’s tongue is getting lost
I’m exhausted
crossfaded and jaded
Hmong or not, I speak the english language
I look hmong but don’t got the rage in me
or do I, got that generational curse on me
General Vang Pao fought wars
this is a one on one with me
C’mon, count to three
Can I be free?
of the shambles
that gamble the
Expectations
The Limitations
Manipulations
Reputations
And Violations
that our generation carrieswe so fucking quiet about it
acting like we ain’t apart of the pit
acting like we ain’t about to just quit
acting like we ain’t take a hit
Who raised us?
War vets, survivors, refugees, yes!
Trauma, and drugs, and secrets, guess
who we owe it to
Acting like we ain’t blessed
I get it, we depressed
confined in our own little nest
But look, history about to be wiped again
If it’s not us and now, then who and when
We the first gens to have titles that mend
the pains of our people and those then
But let me tell you, it ain’t gotta be big
This ain’t no math problem, no sign or trig
Just gotta move forward through thick or thin
Remember, popularity will eat you alive
Fame and likes, you’ll live as a lie
Fake friends will leave you to die
Blood is thick but can be severed a tie
Be honest and truthful, as much as you can
Realize the sacrifices of your parents and grand
Don’t be a bitch whether you can or you can’t
Take opportunities to extend or befriend
Don’t pretend or try to blend in,
You different cause you Hmong till the end
I was inspired by my entrapped feelings as a Hmong-American, living a double life. Like many of the new generations of Hmong-Americans, we are always trying to find ourselves and find where we belong. In the process of that, we often forget where we came from and we end up embracing too much of our American side or vice versa. Always in survival mode because of the way we grew up with our parents so we try to fit in and be like others.
We don’t have to be like others. We don’t have to choose sides. We could just be us.
Hmong and American.
Our grandparents and parents didn’t have an opportunity to pursue their passions and self-identity, but we do. Let’s pursue it. For us, and for them.
My Favorite Outfit
I forget the year this was taken. But, I’ve always loved Hmong clothes. The set seen in the photo were my favorite. Every year, I remember taking this set out until they couldn’t fit me anymore.
My little heels seen in the photo were also my favorite heels. They had sparkly fur, a mini aquarium where my wedges were, and they were perfect for my little feet. I wore them until the fur came off, until the mini aquarium was turned into solid, and until they fell apart.
